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Your Cherubic Friend

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sore az shit [09 Jul 2006|05:42pm]
[ mood | sore ]

good lord my neck hurts

I went up to Traverse City with Joshua and Ashley yesterday morning to go see Two Stars Burning Sun's 3rd/last reunion show. Took us a few hours to get there...but I enjoy car rides. Umm...hung out, listened to the bands that played...If He Dies He Dies was pretty good...I guess they changed Alot though (2 of the dudes look like Chris Barnes), Lorelei was cool...it's probably gonna take me awhile to get used to them though, ummm Nain Rouge was sweet but I was conserving my energy for TSBS, and TIW was great as always, played new stuff so didnt know any of it, but danced and head banged anyway. Before TSBS played I felt very emotional and excited, like overwhelmingly. They played...and I went crazy and danced and moved and screamed as hard as I could. I've heard you can break ribs if you scream hard enough...I now believe that is a myth. I was on the verge a tears numerous times, and I loved it...so so so much. There are No other bands like that around...and I don't know that there will Ever be. No band does what they do to me, and I love that I have someone (josh) to share that emotion and...love with, for a band...

"you guys are so hardcore" ... and don't you forget it girly.


Got home around 2am...thought it was later than that. My mom surprised me with a new kitten...my cat Purple dissapeared a couple weeks ago :*( ... so that made me happy that she did that. Gotta figure out his name now though.

but yeah, had a great time, would have liked to hang out with the guys longer, but it's okay, I was worn the fuck out anyway.

I guess Thursday I'm getting a tattoo of them...and Saturday only confirmed my desire to do so.





p.s thanks a ton for taking us Ashley, it was grand. <3

» 2 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

it's not my fault I was pwning 8 yr olds and you werent [07 May 2006|04:23am]
[ mood | oh the misery! the pain! ]

look what josh porter did to my poor unsuspecting pinky for no reason...no reason at all!!!!Collapse )

» 5 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

I'm sorry I called at 4:30 am ... but I felt I had to. [31 May 2005|05:19am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

So I finally managed to take advantage of a rare (but golden) mood, and that rocks.

I've felt like shit for some time now, and once and awhile (very rarely) I get this mood, where I feel alright and feel talkative and like I can see things clearer and am not so afraid of everything. But it usually comes at a bad time, like late in the night or when I have nobody to talk to. And tonight I got this mood and I felt like I could do anything and rehabilitate anything broken, I felt like I could be productive...and I didn't want it to fade, and for once, I didn't.

I love this mood, this mood is fucking fantastic. I almost like myself when I feel like this (aside from physical features), I only wish I could feel like this by default instead of it being a rarity. I'm not negative and I don't see things like I am...I see them for what they are. I wish this was me...I wish this would stay...

Yeah my life is fucking boring and perhaps hopeless and pathetic, but only if I look at it that way. I still need things, but I can't let what I do/can have right now, fade away. I have to fight a little bit, I can't be intimidated. I've had (everything and) nothing for awhile, only my great Mom and a long distance relationship with the girl I love, and that's All, but I had nothing to fill in the blank pages that are left inbetween (so I'd stare at them until time had passed). I gave up on friends and that led to not wanting to go to shows or anything like that, so I never got/get out, I just waste away waiting for something good to happen...yeah because it means everything to me (for certain things to happen), but fuck I need to help myself out here, try not to go completely insane...distract myself and be OKAY in the meantime.

I need people in my life, and that's what I've lacked for some time now. I'm not a very approachable person, I know that...I mean I'm ugly and look like I hate everyone and also suck ass at being social. But I need to get over that, I need help with being around people...I can't get used to something if I'm just thrown into it every once and awhile (or never.) I can't completely help msyelf on my own, that's part of why I never have/do, but I can help myself get closer to people and allow them to want to be part of my life, or atleast I can try.

I want to be happy, I want to love and not be afraid or uncomfortable or miserable anymore. I just hope this is a step in the right direction and not something I'll get over after a good night's sleep...then again I've even hated sleeping for awhile now, which used to be my one solace. I really have to get out of this rut...because I've been in, real deep...




Feel free to be my friend, maybe you can get to know the guy that's hidden on the inside...and maybe you could like him. breaking me open takes a bit of patience and determination...but you'll get there if you want to, I'll try.

» 2 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

I have what I have, and I am who I am. [09 Mar 2005|02:02am]
[ mood | bled ]

It's kind of like waking up, and hating where you are in life. Like...wanting to erase certain aspects and people in your life, and maybe moving on completely without any notice or planning. I mean I have those people that truly love me and would rather endure pain that cause me any. I wish I had always striven for that sort of relationship between 2 human beings, but I haven't...I take what I'm given...making sure not to overachieve in any aspect of my life. I guess that explains the shit that surrounds you, eh? Anyway...I've always spoken too much, odd for someone who doesn't speak enough (also odd how that's not a contradiction).

If only All the people who treated me like shit would die, then I'd only be left with the fond memories, like with my dad. I mean it's so fucking painful while it's active...then that person dies, and all you can think is "god whyyyy!!?!?!?" when they never put an effort to assert their love for you, yet you fucking sit there and cry and cry and wish for it to have never happened. You're left to think of the good moments, cuz thinking of bad moments is just wrong...so you dwell on what you could have done and how things could have been different. It's fucking pathetic...which of course is my most commonly displayed characteristic (how else would someone attract the same traits of so called "love" from numerous people?) I have Always wanted to be loved, and I know I probably have all sorts of fun issues there, and I'm sure I know exactly what a psychiatrist would have to say about this subject with me, because it is all textbook examples of my system failing me just like every other fucked up person on this earth.

Yes, I know
why I annoy people so much, and why few can love me more than Just saying the words. I am not a likable guy, I look too much into things and am easily hurt, yet stick around Just enough to be a hassle.

Blunt/direct words: We rarely see/n eachother, let alone Talk, and when we do, my opinions are warrant for an Attack? That should be the end right there, that is not love, let alone years of taking it and forgiving it and moving on just to receive it again (picture a kitten seeking attention from it's missed owner, only to be picked up by the fur of it's neck and thrown out the front door.) Maybe you don't get how much that hurts...maybe you don't get how much alot of things have hurt (and how many time I've had to hate myself for letting it go on.) I've always wanted more of a friendship then I ever felt we had, it always felt fake to me. We have had very few meaningful discussions, very few "I'm there for you, man"s, it's always been "you know I love you" without much proof. It's not about wanting all the attention you can give, it's about knowing someone is there for you and thinks of you (as a friend) First, when you know you are/would be/do that, for them. It's about not letting eachother "drift" no matter what is going on in your life, because "best friend" should be a much bolder term than how it's been exercised, here.


In retrospect I always end up wishing I hadn't said anything...cuz I say too much and dramatize things...and pour my heart out simply to become a puddle for others to walk over. So this is me shutting up...for a long, long time.

smack in the face [03 Mar 2005|11:43pm]
[ mood | throw a dart at a target of emotions and your bound to hit one...(like always) ]

I would have been much much much more angry (hurt) had I known that...

anyway...

My thumb is raw from playing too much Fight Night round 2.


and...I don't feel like saying anything else cuz when I write in here I tend to think more, which means more negative thoughts flood to me...


You see I do's what I choose on shiny twenty-two's
Be's what I please in brand new Bentleys
That's right stupid! Soon as they couped it, I went and scooped it
Now I'm on the move, on the move...

» 1 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

i hate the first 'r' in surprise, it's just bullshit [19 Nov 2004|04:07pm]
[ mood | I don't know...but I don't feel good ]

Good lord, I clicked on a community link thing that someone posted in another's journal and I was looking through posts and God damn, what is wrong with these people?? They're so mean and ignorant and I don't even get what the point is. Sometimes I forget how many lame people are out there, it reminds me of AOL chat rooms...just dumb, dumb, dumb shit. So if anyone goes to these "I'm so hawt" type communities, you are such a fag...but not in the cool way.

anyway................

So I got 7 movies the other night...I watched 3 yesterday.

First I watched "Elf," which is pretty funny...except the ending was too much like every other Christmas movie. Then later I watched "Super Size Me"...and even though I first thought it was dumb because, well...it's hard for me to believe people wouldn't Expect bad things to happen from eating McDonald's on such a regular basis, I still thought it was pretty interesting/good. Makes me wanna diet...and be all fit and healthy and crap. Umm, then after that I watched "Envy"...and I have no idea if I liked it or not, I think I just like the main actors (jack black, ben stiller, christoper walken) cuz the movie itself was just kinda...silly. But it had some funny parts I suppose.



hmmm...
So I guess we have band practice on Sunday, so that's cool....even though it's on Sunday, meh.

ummmmmmmm

I'm sure I could ramble on about stuff (because I feel like I'm in that kind of mood) but I don't have aim set on anything, so ummmmmmmm bye.

» 5 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

[14 Oct 2004|10:00pm]
[ mood | i hate all of yous ]

So, what...nobody wants a CD of my band???

then fuck all of y'allz bitchez.





ummmm
I'm supposedly leaving sometime tomorrow, but I wont know for sure or when until like...4am.

Anyway...ummm I'm gonna start packing now.

» 7 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

ONCE IN YOUR LIFETIME, THATS ALL I ASK, ONNNNCCCCEEEEEEEEEEE, 7 days of your life, that is all [23 Sep 2004|09:42pm]
[ mood | pissed ON ]

I HATE MY LIFE




God damn what the hell is wrong with people???? I'm dying over here with worry and shit and working on everything, and everyone else is careless about it. "oh I can't practice I'm doing something else sat and sun," FUCK YOU.....you're not paying for this and I can fucking tell.


You guys are fucking assholes, all you care about is yourselves...this band means nothing to you, nor do I. I try to be the leader and get you all going and ready and all you guys do is piss on me, and yet expect me to do everything when the time comes. I don't appreciate that...I don't mind being the leader, but you guys need to stop fucking me over. And right now this is the most important thing I've ever asked of you and will Ever ask of you. I Dont WANT to be the dick here, being pissed off, but what choice do you guys leave me???? If this is what it takes for you guys to show me some heart...then for god's sake I'll go through it and fucking scream and cry my head off because this means that much to me.


Absolutely no level of commitment, ambition, discipline or loyalty.



Please, I Beg Of You.



all I ask is for a little help, so I can fucking sleep at night knowing you guys got my back. And right now...you Don't






BUT......If this is a train wreck, I will never speak to any of you again.

» Run on girl.

dundundundundundundundundundundundun do wee ooo [23 Sep 2004|09:04am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I just came up with a song on guitar...and tabbed out most of it and everything. It may or may not stay exactly the way I "tabbed" it (when alex plays it), and may even sound bad the way I did,and May have hard transitions to make...but nevertheless, someone who can't play guitar at all...wrote something. woo

» Run on girl.

worry worry worry [22 Sep 2004|09:39pm]
[ mood | scared ]

gah, I'm realizing how much work this is all going to be. We really need to get our shit together...and I need a level of commitment from my bandmates on this...cuz I have all the ambition in the world when it comes to getting this done right. We don't have much time...



I can't sleep anymore...so many thoughts run through my head...just too many.

» Run on girl.

getthefuckouttahere [21 Sep 2004|09:32pm]
[ mood | excited ]

ahh!!! I'm excited now cuz the unexpected happened and I think we're recording on 3 diff dates with Mark/sprout recording before Evelyns birthday so my luck might be good for once!!!!

If it works out, then I will be very happy....and so far so good.

::hugs everyone while waiting for something bad to happen::






!!!!!!!!!

» Run on girl.

your bass sounds like silence [20 Sep 2004|07:39pm]
[ mood | calm ]

So we had our show yesterday...there was a decent ammount of people, but you could tell they wer'ent there to see us...or anyone that sounded like us. It went okay...a couple mistakes were made. Um...it was cool though, I like doing shows. It's weird...I've always been a shy guy but being on stage doesn't effect me...maybe cuz I don't look at them that much, I dunno. They clapped more when the show was over...so I dunno what that means. Oh and after awhile this guy shook my hand and told me we were good, so that was Awesome. But you don't care...cuz I mean...it's not like any of You were there. And if you were their...tell me about it cuz I do not know of this.
psht
The band before us was a straight up punk band called the Mcarthy Brigade...not that bad actually but I just wasn't into it. The guitarist/singer seemed to be a cool guy though. Umm and after us there was a band with (i'm assuming" 12-13 yr olds...who were good, but played covers. So I don't feel we were shown up. But we left after that........
My mom/louis and tara/eric were there. And my mom was complimenting me all night...but I soon relaized it was a tool to try and keep me here, trying to make me realize what I have going here...and that I shouldn't just break it up by leaving it. Blah...


Hmm................
I dunno...I want to leave pretty son...I considered staying perhaps another month so we could record a legit CD. But whenever I talk to Evelyn I realize how much I just...want to be able to hold her...and be with her and do whatever...With Her. So right now I want to leave next monday...though I know this wont happen, the circumstances aren't right. She still has to be at her house and take care of Bianca. So I probably wont leave until she doesn't need to be there. Oh and Jon got back from mexico on Saturday...so that's good.




Um...all 'my' teams lost last week (except lions)....and they all won this week (except for chiefs). So that's cool...I'm looking forward to the Eagles/Vikings game tonight...cuz I'm a tough guy who needs to validate his manlyness by watching barbaric-jock sports.............man...I sure could go for a cock right about now.

ba da doom

» Run on girl.

he'd had her... [15 Sep 2004|08:13pm]
[ mood | autistic......I decipher codes for the government ]

crazy shit...floods, tornadoes and what have you. Death is like a virus...it'll find you one way or another. I wanna move to Canada at some point...maybe cuz I watched Bowling For Columbine recently, but nevertheless, I do.


She made me worry...helplessness is a bastard. Why don't I always worry? I'm just glad I don't...cuz you can feel it...almost like teeth digging deeper and deeper into you with every reach and clench.


I'm amazing......and pathetic and disgusting...all at the same time. Few could ever get me...I'm too much of a challenge for a half-assed world I guess.

I wish I didn't care...cuz god knows I'm much happier when I don't. I picture the feeling of being perfect and confident...like that of being completely trashed.


hmm...fuck politics...the world is going to suck no matter who's president anyway. Everyone is a dick with a 'questionable' past with 'questionable' actions and holds hidden agenda galore. The things you love...will always be...the things you love.


There are 3 kinds of people in the world: People who need support, People who need To support, and people who only support themselves. Now there may be some bleeding of colors, but as a base...I think it stands pretty true. Me? I think it's always been pretty obvious...



...give. accept. wee. congrats. I'm real, are you real? keepin' it...amen. Answerless...

» Run on girl.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood ... Nobody!! [14 Jun 2004|09:31pm]
[ mood | fine ]

hm, well I just got back from (league) bowling. Eric is ohio still and Dan isn't gonna being bowling anymore. So other than me it was Tara and Eric's mom Vicki. She's pretty cool, kinda reminds me of my mom. Anyway, she's also a good bowler...she bowls like 150-170 area. grr...I bowled a 99 and then a 119. So that pissed me off...couldnt find my groove again...but I realized at the end that I was simply not curving it.

Umm...didnt do anything over the weekend, except on Sunday...josh called me from Charlies around 4:30 and asked if I could make it to a practice sorta thing. Even though it was late and it was just him and Charlie I still came. Umm it was okay, even though I didn't have a mic until even later. They were kinda playin stuff they amde up prior to my arrival, but also some improv. And I of course was straight up improving. Though I felt off my game, cuz I think of myself as being good at vocal-improv. It was just mainly cuz I have't screamed in awhile, so it wasn't feeling good. But yeah...we're gonna just mess around, basically, at the show, which is on Saturday.

ummmmmmm
that'[s about it really...

I still wanna see a movie, but theres like 5 or so I wanna see. But I think I'm gonna end up seeing Dodgball: a true underdog story next weekend.......yeah thats right. I can't help it, it looks hilarious to me. "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball"......"if you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball"

» 1 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

Phone Post [15 Apr 2004|12:55pm]
VoicePost
740K 4:59
(no transcription available)


(you hung up without pressing #. posting privately in case it was an accident.)
» Run on girl.

Sign it [30 Mar 2004|05:28am]
stopfcc.com</a>
» 3 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

Phone Post: but where's my bitches? [30 Nov 2003|03:29am]
[ mood | amused ]

VoicePost
310K 1:39
“Yo yo yo!!”

Transcribed by: killface



Alrighty, on that note...
My journal is going to be Friends Only from now on.
So if you wanna be my fwiend, then add me and I'll add you back.

Have a nice day.
» 10 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

it's not gonna be all right, and it's not gonna be okay [27 Nov 2003|08:07pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Hmm...
The problem with feeling swell, is that it becomes the top of the hill. Tis all down hill from here...Darn!

So yeah...I feel pretty good at this moment.

Woke up late, at like 3:45...showered and stuff. Tara and Eric came over for dinner...my mom had everything out in the front room and managed to put a table in there...yes a dining room table in our rather small, crowded living room, yay. I just watched football and they ate. Twasn't bad. The lions won earlier?...whoa. Dallas definitely didn't win their game.

ummm, I'm hoping I can get out to josh's house tomorrow. Tis his birfday and all, the least I can do is dance for his amusement!
I kinda wish I could go over tonight, cuz I'm in a good mood, and being alone and such will allow that to fade quicker.......grr, really wish I wasn't alone.


hmm hmm hmm...
I gots nothin to say.

I love you all!.......well, for now anyway

yay

» 1 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

well damn. [27 Nov 2003|06:46am]
[ mood | thankful ]

So yeah...Evelyn is insane...in a very very good/generous kind of way.
like...like......whoa

I guess it makes sense, since it's now thanksgiving...and I owe tremendous amount of thanks, to her.



anyway...



Happy Thanksgiving to...YOU!
yay

» 6 wanted out _•«¦»•_Run on girl.

"I'm not retarded, I'm just slloooooooww" -Cowboy Ray [26 Nov 2003|06:40am]
[ mood | alrighty ]

I don't get it...how can this computer's clock be slow?

I always momentarily fall for it.
It's a trick...


don't...fall...for it

» Run on girl.

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