It's kind of like waking up, and hating where you are in life. Like...wanting to erase certain aspects and people in your life, and maybe moving on completely without any notice or planning. I mean I have those people that truly love me and would rather endure pain that cause me any. I wish I had always striven for that sort of relationship between 2 human beings, but I haven't...I take what I'm given...making sure not to overachieve in any aspect of my life. I guess that explains the shit that surrounds you, eh? Anyway...I've always spoken too much, odd for someone who doesn't speak enough (also odd how that's not a contradiction).
If only All the people who treated me like shit would die, then I'd only be left with the fond memories, like with my dad. I mean it's so fucking painful while it's active...then that person dies, and all you can think is "god whyyyy!!?!?!?" when they never put an effort to assert their love for you, yet you fucking sit there and cry and cry and wish for it to have never happened. You're left to think of the good moments, cuz thinking of bad moments is just wrong...so you dwell on what you could have done and how things could have been different. It's fucking pathetic...which of course is my most commonly displayed characteristic (how else would someone attract the same traits of so called "love" from numerous people?) I have Always wanted to be loved, and I know I probably have all sorts of fun issues there, and I'm sure I know exactly what a psychiatrist would have to say about this subject with me, because it is all textbook examples of my system failing me just like every other fucked up person on this earth.
Yes, I know why I annoy people so much, and why few can love me more than Just saying the words. I am not a likable guy, I look too much into things and am easily hurt, yet stick around Just enough to be a hassle.
Blunt/direct words: We rarely see/n eachother, let alone Talk, and when we do, my opinions are warrant for an Attack? That should be the end right there, that is not love, let alone years of taking it and forgiving it and moving on just to receive it again (picture a kitten seeking attention from it's missed owner, only to be picked up by the fur of it's neck and thrown out the front door.) Maybe you don't get how much that hurts...maybe you don't get how much alot of things have hurt (and how many time I've had to hate myself for letting it go on.) I've always wanted more of a friendship then I ever felt we had, it always felt fake to me. We have had very few meaningful discussions, very few "I'm there for you, man"s, it's always been "you know I love you" without much proof. It's not about wanting all the attention you can give, it's about knowing someone is there for you and thinks of you (as a friend) First, when you know you are/would be/do that, for them. It's about not letting eachother "drift" no matter what is going on in your life, because "best friend" should be a much bolder term than how it's been exercised, here.
In retrospect I always end up wishing I hadn't said anything...cuz I say too much and dramatize things...and pour my heart out simply to become a puddle for others to walk over. So this is me shutting up...for a long, long time.